Don't need to be alone

I just walked out of the grocery store without getting doughnuts. Too many of you are wondering what the big deal is. You walk out of stores without out buying doughnuts everyday. But I feel like I walked away from a long term relationship. I'm panicked and feel alone.

Growing up my father battled his own addiction. I was not popular. I was riddled with anxiety and depression. I would constantly pursue men to get the attention I wasn't getting from my father. My first husband was also emotionally detached. So I started to fill the void with food.

( I want to clarify that neither my father nor my first husband were horrible people. They were / are amazing individuals. They just didn't meet my emotional needs. )

After my first marriage ended I briefly dated an Italian named Franco. It was long distance. Once we spent a fiery weekend in New York City. We cuddled in Central Park, saw Joshua Bell perform at Lincoln Center, ate phenomenal Italian food and spent the rest of the time in bed. Following that weekend we talked twice and then he was gone. I thought we would get married and have beautiful caramel colored kids. To him I was a fling.

Binges feel just like that. A glorious experience that ends in heartbreak. But every time you go back because of how good it felt before the heartbreak.

My void is now overfilled with the love of my forever husband, my daughter, my God and myself. But it's hard ending my abusive relationship with food. It's a habit now.

That's why I am so grateful for AdvoCare. It has taught me healthy eating habits, given me product support, and most importantly, unconditional support from thousands of people. Although I have slipped back into old habits, as long as I keep engaging with my AdvoCare family, this habit will be squashed and my life will truly begin.

I'm a Fraud

I've been quiet ever since Robin William's suicide. There was so much flying around about his death. It brought light to mental illness. It also released a torrent of opinions about his actions. Me? I cried. A lot. I've had to watch too many tortured souls lose their humanity to evil, bury them.

Addiction is nasty.

I am subject to the same obsessive behavior that lives in my family history. Mine is eating. I've gotten drive thru on my way home from work then eaten dinner. I chose eating over paying bills. I would pay in cash so it wouldn't show up on the credit card bill and my husband(s) didn't know I just ate six doughnuts in the car. I then drove to dumpsters away from my home to throw away the evidence.

For me, eating was an event. I'd plan the meal like planning an elaborate date. My go-to binge was homemade fried chicken or steak, mashed potatoes with gravy, garlic bread and Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby. And not a portion, the entire meal. Three to four chicken thighs, four potatoes, and entire box of Texas Toast and an entire pint of ice cream. Eating is a comfort. When everything else in life is in chaos, I can control the eating. And that is the power of addiction.



Nutrition for this single meal:

Calories: 3902
Fat: 206 g
Cholesterol: 540 mg
Sodium: 4722 mg
Carbohydrates: 367.2 g
Protein: 132 g

One meal had all of that in it. My consumption limits are 2000 calories, 2000 mg of sodium and 100 g of carbohydrates... a day! Not a meal, A DAY!

Addiction makes you think you are in control. But you aren't! It takes away your self control, you rationality, your priorities. You are a puppet on a string and have no control over your actions. For some, the only way out is suicide. Sometimes, the addiction takes them before they can take themselves.

So why am I a fraud? Because there have been times recently this behavior has raised it's ugly head. I brag on Facebook that I resisted this food or that food, then go home and eat Cecilia's potty training candy stash. I'm never truly aware I have done it until it is over. That's how powerful this is.

But I'm also blessed.

I am surrounded by people who support me, who love me unconditionally. Y'all have taught me I'm just fine as I am, and to imagine how much more I could be if I were healthy. I deserve to be healthy. To love myself the way you love me, the way God loves me. I will think about food every day for the rest of my life. But I won't let it rule my life.

Thank you! Thank you for letting me put this out there, after years of hiding it. Thank you for joining me on this journey. And thank you for keeping me honest.

Advocare - My personal account

I want to make it clear that I am documenting my personal experiences on the Advocare challenge. I am not being compensated by Advocare with a lifetime supply of products or a free trip to tour their headquarters. Nor am I saying this is what everyone experiences.

That being said, look at the image to the left. Makes you think infomercial, right? Yeah, I would love to get a handle on Advocare's marketing department too. Had I seen this independently, I would have completely ignored it. But, with Bonnie backing it up, I gave it a shot. And boy, am I glad I did.


Pros (some of these are a repeat from a previous post):

• Skin - My skin looks amazing. Before I started this challenge, I had old lady hands. You know, lots of wrinkles, loose skin, worn looking. Now that I consume insane amounts of water, my hands are looking like I feel like they should. So does the rest of my skin. 

• Stomach pains - I don't have a galbladder anymore, and my body works extra hard to process food. Clean eating has greatly improved my digestion process. I don't have the liver pain I once had, or the painful digestion. In fact, I forget my stomach is even there. 

• Energy - I would yawn all day, every day. Drove my husband nuts! V16, a caffeine-free energy powder (as I have a caffeine intolerance) has stolen my yawns. I have energy and focus during the day that I never had before. I have no desire for any caffeine or quick sugar fixes to give me a boost. Katey and V16, sitting in a tree....

Drew Breeze is a spokesman for Advocare. Um, drool!

• Catalyst and OmegaPlex - These are two vitamins I fell in love with (I've got a lot of product love going on). Very basic overview - Catalyst keeps your skin tight when you lose weight and OmegaPlex is your fish oil. Both went down easy with no side or after affects. The fishy burps disappeared too. 

Cons:

• Poop - I've talked about poop before. I'm not ashamed to talk about poop. Pooping should be a celebration. And yet, we ladies still hang out in the bathroom stall, waiting for everyone to leave before pooping. Why do we do that to ourselves? But I digress. The first week the pooping occurred every bathroom break. I was so over it. It wasn't urgent, which was good, but goodness, I prayed to not poop anymore.

• Max 3 - Well, not all of Max 3. Just the little brown pill at the top. That, my friends, would send me into orbit. I started getting daily panic attacks. I couldn't sleep, I couldn't focus. I was a bitchy mess. When I finally talked to Bonnie about it, she verified that that brown pill is a natural appetite inhibitor. I eliminated that pill from the bunch and was right as rain. 

• No more junk food - Okay, this isn't really a con. Since the challenge I have not been as strict as I should be with my eating habits. My body has adjusted to clean eating, so anything outside of that makes it angry. Hulk angry. Now when I see a doughnut or fried food, I get scared. RIP junk food. 

Conclusion, this was definitely worth it. It's a product that can be adjusted to your body. The support system is beyond wonderful. Best part, the representatives aren't tied to a sales goal. Yes, they profit off your purchase (basic retail 101), but their motivation is to make you a healthier person. 

I am incorporating Advocare into my daily life. The Catalyst and OmegaPlex still have a place in my pill box, along with the vitamins my doctor recommends. I still do V16 twice a day (three times if I know I need to stay up past 11 p.m.). I use rehydrate every day (side note: it's great for a sick kid). I'm starting to incorporate Muscle Gain and will likely add their meal replacement shakes into the mix down the road. 

Heck, I might even become a wholesaler. That's how much I like this product. 

I Am Sixteen, Going on Seventeen...

Rolf, The Sound of Music: 
You are sixteen going on seventeen
Baby, it's time to think
Better beware, be canny and careful
Baby, you're on the brink

Today marks day 23 on the Advocare 24 Day Challenge. With just a few moments of weakness, I pulled it off. It definitely put me on a very good path of clean eating and loving myself again. 

So why am I singing a song from Sound of Music? Well, everyone that knows me knows I always have a musical score buzzing around in my head. But the lines listed above can be pretty powerful when you take them out of context (manipulate their meaning to best support your topic, etc). 

Now that the challenge is over, it would be so easy to slip into old habits. I won't have Bonnie texting me every morning with her support, I won't have my alarm reminding me to do this or do that. I will be on my own, to make my own food choices. 

I'm also singing this song because of this:

Oh yeah, you're reading that right. In 23 days, I've lost 16.5 inches off my body. That's the length of a newborn baby (except mine. She was a tall one!). That one ruler plus another third. It's insane to think I had 16.5 more inches of mass a month ago.

Yes, I do need to be canny and careful. I am on the brink. But with numbers like this, it is hard to justify my old habits.



P.S. Detailed account of my Advocare experience to follow shortly.

The Close of a Cleanse

Today is day ten of the Advocare cleanse. Minus a absentminded corn chip consumption and a bite of a potato chip to see how it tasted (awful), I stuck with it. No, seriously, I did. No breads, no sweets, no dairy, no ice cream... No, I am not lying!

Trust me, I am still in shock that I did stick with it. Yes, there were times I walked past a coworker's candy bowl and said a Hail Mary to keep me on track. But overall I was not tempted. I think it is because of how amazing I felt so quickly.

Day one and two sucked. I admit it. Headaches, poops, farts, hunger. But from day three on, it has been smooth sailing. Here is what I've noticed over the last ten days.

My skin is no longer dry. I used to scratch my leg and see evidence of that scratch two hours later. Now, by drinking half my body weight in ounces of water, my skin is softer, smoother, even glows.

I stand up straighter. Don't know if that is confidence, or because my upper belly is now smaller than my lower belly (and my boobs... SWEET!) but that back is straight. And it doesn't hurt!

I sleep at night and am awake during the day. I used to wake up two to three times a night. I was so tired during the day that several cups of coffee didn't keep me awake. Naps were my friend. I admit, I miss the naps, but I am happier with the new energy I have. And this is without any caffeine at all! True, the cleanse pills did make me get up two to three times a night, but I fell back asleep immediately after. And the V16 is a dream. All that energy in a small powder that tastes like orange soda. Yum!

No more nervous stomach. I would feel so sick at time I couldn't take it. I thought it was nerves. But I've got Zoloft for that, right? Nope, it was the food I was eating. My body, especially my liver, was pissed. But now everything is all zen-like in my belly. I even adjusted to the fiber!

Clean food is as addictive as crack. Holy crap. I always forget how good food tastes when it isn't covered in fried, chemical nastiness. Peaches! Raspberries! Butternut squash! I am drooling right now. And Sunbutter is way better than peanut butter. I can't eat peanut butter anymore (gasp!).

The women on the Facebook group are so much cooler than those of Weight Watchers. I hated Weight Watchers. There was always one person who dominated with negativity. I see nothing but positive come out of these Advocare leaders and participants. Locked in a room full of perky would normally take me to crazy land, but these chicks have wicked sense of humors and overall just want people to be their healthy, amazing selves.

Tomorrow I start the Max Phase. I understand I get to add a bit of dairy and some honey in my diet, but I am not sure I want or need it. Might just allow them as a treat every now and then. I'm loving what I do now.

Advocare 10-Day Cleanse: Day One and Two

Here is how it works. You wake up and immediately drink the fiber drink (FD), take the catalyst pills (CP) (optional but they come highly recommended) the fish oil pill (FOP) and drink an energy drink (ED). Mine is caffeine free, as my body hates high levels of caffeine. I'm like a menopausal woman in Mexico in July.

You repeat the CP and ED a half hour before lunch. At dinner, you take a FOP. Right before bed, you take three of the largest f****** pills you've ever seen. These are your cleanse pills (C*P). You get three meals and two snacks. You are allowed lean protein, select fruits and veggies and approved fats at specific times of the day. I understand not allowing refined grains, sugar and dairy, but no mushrooms? Seriously? That, my friends, might be the death of me.

Day One: Rollercoaster

Glad I'm a fan of Cream O' Wheat or there would be no way I could get through the FD. The ED was tasty. Did a chocolate meal replacement shake 40 minutes later.

Starving at 10 am, but ate my blueberries and sunbutter slowly. And pooped. A lot. Had my CP and ED an hour (should be half hour) before I ate my protein, veggie and carb.

Had my fruit and fat at 3 then was hit with a migraine. Drove my 40 minutes home, nearly yacking. Cllimbed into bed and slept on and off while my daughter kept me company and watched Doozers. Put her to bed, took my FP chased with dinner. Took my C*P and went to bed.

Day Two: Another rollercoaster, but no derailment (see what I did there, Six Flags?)

Same routine. About a half hour after the morning pills and drinks I got an insane dizzy spell and my head and mouth started to feel sparkly. Kept running the soundtrack of Hair in my head. Slammed my shake and ate a hard boiled egg then I was good.

Rest of the day went without issue. Oh yeah, I pooped. A lot.

Had to get a meal on the go for dinner as I was getting my hair did. Jimmy John's Tom Turkey unwrap with oil. Best. Sandwich. Ever. Came home with platinum and purple on my head and a very crabby tummy. Ate some shrimp and an avocado. Tummy happy. Pills and bed. In fact, I'm typing this on my phone and burping fish oil all while lying in bed.

First impression: It's a lot gentler than other cleanses. Yes, there is a lot of pooping. A lot. But is isn't violent and even comes citrus scented. It appeared the migraine was just bad timing. I keep smelling odd odors coming from my body. Detoxing at its finest.

Lessons: Be flexible with this plan. Not in the food you eat, but with the time and quantity.

I'm Back in the Saddle Again...

It's true. Cory and I had a really rough year. 

In May 2013, he was laid off from his job. What we thought would be a month or two turned into a year of living off my poverty-level income. In February 2014, we lost my mother-in-law to cancer. We knew it was coming, but the blow was harder than I ever anticipated. Every day we think of her. We try to keep her memory alive for my daughter and the other grandkids. 

Overall, we are fine now. The pain of losing Cherry lessens every day. Cory and I now have dream jobs that keep us more than above water. Every day we thank God for the blessings He has bestowed upon us. One of those blessings is the ability to fail. This isn't a bad thing, mind you. I see every failure as proof that I get to continue to learn and grow. However, repeating the same failure over and over again proves you've closed yourself off from those lessons. It's also the definition of insanity.

I have always used food as a coping mechanism. If stress eating were a competition I would have Olympic Gold at this point. What is crazy is I am well aware of how I feel after the binge sessions. And how amazing I feel when I eat right and exercise. But somehow, when things get rough, I regress back to the comforts of bad habits. 

A wife of a friend (now my friend) has been talking with me for nearly a year about her experience is Advocare. She is far from a blind follower. She is an extremely educated woman who can tell the difference between s*** and pudding. And she LOVES this stuff. Looking at before and after pictures, I can see why. She looks amazing, she feels amazing, and she is a powerhouse! The fact that she pushed for so long for me to try this shows me she cares about my health, not her profits. 

So July 8th I started the Advocare 24-day challenge (Details to come in a follow up blog). I deserve to feel better again, to fit in my clothes again, and to live a long life for my husband, daughter, friends and family. The scale won't register my weight, but I tracked my measurements. Excited to see what happens will come of this new adventure. 

Giddy-up!