I'm a Fraud

I've been quiet ever since Robin William's suicide. There was so much flying around about his death. It brought light to mental illness. It also released a torrent of opinions about his actions. Me? I cried. A lot. I've had to watch too many tortured souls lose their humanity to evil, bury them.

Addiction is nasty.

I am subject to the same obsessive behavior that lives in my family history. Mine is eating. I've gotten drive thru on my way home from work then eaten dinner. I chose eating over paying bills. I would pay in cash so it wouldn't show up on the credit card bill and my husband(s) didn't know I just ate six doughnuts in the car. I then drove to dumpsters away from my home to throw away the evidence.

For me, eating was an event. I'd plan the meal like planning an elaborate date. My go-to binge was homemade fried chicken or steak, mashed potatoes with gravy, garlic bread and Ben and Jerry's Chubby Hubby. And not a portion, the entire meal. Three to four chicken thighs, four potatoes, and entire box of Texas Toast and an entire pint of ice cream. Eating is a comfort. When everything else in life is in chaos, I can control the eating. And that is the power of addiction.



Nutrition for this single meal:

Calories: 3902
Fat: 206 g
Cholesterol: 540 mg
Sodium: 4722 mg
Carbohydrates: 367.2 g
Protein: 132 g

One meal had all of that in it. My consumption limits are 2000 calories, 2000 mg of sodium and 100 g of carbohydrates... a day! Not a meal, A DAY!

Addiction makes you think you are in control. But you aren't! It takes away your self control, you rationality, your priorities. You are a puppet on a string and have no control over your actions. For some, the only way out is suicide. Sometimes, the addiction takes them before they can take themselves.

So why am I a fraud? Because there have been times recently this behavior has raised it's ugly head. I brag on Facebook that I resisted this food or that food, then go home and eat Cecilia's potty training candy stash. I'm never truly aware I have done it until it is over. That's how powerful this is.

But I'm also blessed.

I am surrounded by people who support me, who love me unconditionally. Y'all have taught me I'm just fine as I am, and to imagine how much more I could be if I were healthy. I deserve to be healthy. To love myself the way you love me, the way God loves me. I will think about food every day for the rest of my life. But I won't let it rule my life.

Thank you! Thank you for letting me put this out there, after years of hiding it. Thank you for joining me on this journey. And thank you for keeping me honest.